Can we get out of our heads long enough to see our beauty?
Can we get out of our heads long enough to see our beauty?
One easy but powerful step we can take to cultivate more self-compassion.
“Where did you get that dress? I love the asymmetric hemline.”
The question came from a female voice behind me while I was finishing my checkout at the grocery store. I turned around and saw that it was a checker about my age.
“Nordstrom Rack. My husband loves asymmetric hemlines too.”
Truth be told, I hadn’t noticed the hemline of the dress when I spied it in the window the day I bought it. I just loved the vibrant print and neckline. We chatted back and forth about the dress and the nearest Rack, and then she confessed:
“I didn’t think they had clothes in my size there.”
The whole time we had been chatting, I hadn’t even registered the size of her body. And when she brought it up, my first thought was … why is she worried about finding clothes in her size? She has an average-size body. And then I looked a little more closely and realized, oh, I guess we’re about the same size.
A lot of the time, I don’t feel average in my body. Despite making peace with food, many days I’m still working to make peace with my body. But I felt beautiful on this day, partially because I was wearing a dress I love, and had taken the time to do my hair and makeup before a women’s business luncheon.
As I walked out of the store, it hit me: We really are our own worst enemies.
I can be so harsh and judgmental with myself, but I’m never that way with others. If this woman is my size, and she looks perfectly fine, why do I still get so hung up about my size and the parts of my body I don’t like? And more importantly, what can I do about it?
Some of this is natural, of course. Yes, there are outliers who direct their judgment outward, but most of us are way more critical toward ourselves than others.
If you are your own worst enemy, you might ask yourself why, but I feel like too often asking why doesn’t actually lead to change, especially if you think it’s out of your hands. For me, the how is more important — how am I going to make a change? And the first step toward change is always about noticing — noticing the thoughts, the feelings, the behaviors — without judgment, if you can.
Many of us aren’t even aware of the negative self-talk loop that plays incessantly in the recesses of our minds. So the first step is simply acknowledging 1. it happens, and 2. it’s ok when it happens. Acknowledging the mental chatter without attaching judgment to it is a powerful step toward self-compassion and eventual transformation. It allows us to move forward without being held back by critical self-assessment or shame. It’s from this place of noticing that we can begin to make change.
I shared an easy exercise geared toward reframing a few months back that walks through the steps:
Body positivity and ‘The Power of Now’
Now, it’s your turn. Negative self-talk happens to all of us from time to time. I’d love to hear how you handle it when it comes up.
P.S. for my Austin folks. The wonderful
and I will be hosting our second Substack meetup Tuesday, April 16! Full details are here: https://lu.ma/cb4emwlz
I relate to this very much! 🥰 I have had to practice hard to be kinder about the way I look, it's an ongoing process hehe
Very direct and to-the-point! I like this one, and I think it has a very wide reach/range. I've noticed myself doing this sort of thing plenty of times in the past, and I've only recently been able to overcome much of the negative self-talk. It's like, you have to tell yourself a story about what's really going on, but when you zoom out, the math doesn't check out.
But that story is so compelling! It feels so real.
Knowing that this is a thing that happens can be enough to begin addressing it, although that process has taken me at least a decade (and counting). I hope this piece helps other folks to see this sooner!