Removing Boulders
For months, I’ve been eagerly and anxiously awaiting the start of January. After not “working” since July, I knew I would begin again — albeit in a brand-new role, or roles really. Along with marketing and editing contract work, I would be doing a lot of writing — more writing than I ever have — with one book in the works, a chapter to write for a multi-author book and this newsletter.
In November, I started making decisions and commitments. The biggest hurdle initially was deciding to apply for the multi-author book. “Show Your Work: Successful Women Share the Bumpy Roads to Their Biggest Wins” is a bold title with a big premise, and I was battling imposter syndrome every time I thought about doing it. What makes me think I am qualified to write a chapter about my failures on the way to my biggest successes? What makes me think I’m successful? What exactly am I successful at??? My successes are so small compared to so many other women I know.
It’s not hard to go down the rabbit hole of insecurity and doubt. We women are really good at this. But I persevered, applied and accepted an offer to be a part of the project, which would start in mid-January. My kids and husband were my big supporters, along with publisher Michelle Savage, who nudged me along by telling me I needed to share this story. A few weeks later, Michelle asked me to help her with the marketing of Sulit Press starting mid-January, and I eagerly accepted.
Parallel to these big plans, I was still doing big work on myself as it relates to healing my body and my relationship with food. On that end, much of November was spent in conflict. I was loving the freedom that comes from no longer dieting, but I wasn’t loving what was happening with my body. I was really struggling with whether I could continue on the path of not restricting. It felt like I had traded a life of dieting for a life of body hating. But I stayed the course and continued doing the work on my own and with my therapist.
Somewhere in December, things started really coming into focus. I still haven’t fully been able to process how it happened or why, but I started to see little breakthroughs — that were big breakthroughs really — as it relates to not just body image but whole-being image. I didn’t love my body — I still don’t yet, even though I am in a better place — but I was starting to see that some of the messages I had been telling myself my whole life were … just things I told myself. I had given them so much power. Over the years, they had somehow snowballed into truths with a capital T. And the foundation of these limiting beliefs began with body image or somehow had gotten inextricably tied up with it early on, such that I would never be able to see myself as a true success unless I was in a much skinnier body.
My story for “Show Your Work” was always going to be non-traditional, because unlike some of these other authors who have already come into their successes, my chapter was going to talk about my transition from traditional career woman to full-time solo author. The catch was that I wasn’t a full-time author … yet, and that was part of my problem. I wasn’t exactly sure how to get there. But as I got more confident in myself and less tied up in my old beliefs system, I started challenging myself more. Not only challenging myself but truly seeing that, in fact, MOST of the work I have done in my life has led me to this point. In effect, I have been preparing for this role my whole life. And it was time I stepped into it.
“So what?” became the reply to Imposter Syndrome and all of her questions. Suddenly, I was ok taking what once had felt like a huge risk. And I realized I have had what it takes to make this transition long ago. I was the only person holding myself back. It was so incredibly liberating and mind-blowing at the same time. It felt like these massive boulders had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could even visualize them. I described this feeling to my therapist, and she asked me if I wanted to “anchor” it for easy recall, and so I closed my eyes and envisioned using my thumb, forefinger and index finger on my right hand to easily “pluck” those boulders — which now weighed nothing — up and away from my body. The movement was light and easy as if those boulders weighed nothing more than dust. They are know longer holding me down.
Some of my best thinking and dreaming comes to me while I’m out mountain biking. Surrounded by trees and fresh air, I am able to think clearly. See clearly. It was a sunny weekday in December as I was pedaling alongside a gurgling creek on an easy trail near my house when it hit me. Come January, I was starting a new career as a Working Author. I wasn’t going to dabble. I wasn’t going to toe in the water this decision. I was going to go for it. I was making a commitment, and I was going to treat it as a full-time job — the full-time job I’ve always wanted.
And, now we’re halfway through January. I’ve had a few delays and distractions, but the ball is rolling. I came back from my spur-of-the-moment college roomie ski trip to find a swag bag of writing gifts that was the perfect kickoff. I’ve launched my new website. I’ve officially begun marketing work for Sulit Press. Next week will be the kick off of the multi-chapter project. I am so excited about this coming year, the work I’m going to be doing with Sulit Press — what I’m going to learn and what I’m going to accomplish.