Oh Kristi, first of all, I am proud that you published this post, and the last one, and all of them. I’ve been following your Substack for a while now, and the only reason I didn’t finish reading the last one (or liking it) was because it was (seemingly at a glance) husband focused, and that’s just not my life currently lol. Not because of the content, which I just read and felt such compassion for your position. It was a great post about the fears and uncertainties of marriage and life. It was honest and real. Just like this post. And yes, I do have those 3 AM thoughts sometimes. I think we all do when we’re being honest.
Thank you, Dana. You're right. I don't usually delve into the husband stuff. Lol. I appreciate you being here and sharing your kind words. And also I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one with the 3 a.m., although they aren't very pleasant.
I'm sorry I missed last week's post when you released it! I had an unexpectedly busy week. I will go back and read it now. But first, let me say that this post is a powerful one. Boy do I know what you mean when you say that sometimes you worry about "the silence mean[ing] something deeper. Judgment. Pity. Disgust" AND when you say, "Sometimes it’s easier to tell strangers your deepest thoughts than it is to share them with people you’re close to." Yep. I'm sorry your mom's response was less than helpful. I'm glad your sister reached out. As impossible as it is, try not to read too much into the apparent silence surrounding any of your (amazing) essays! I wish I had something wise to say about this particular relationship challenge - one that I suspect every married person endures in some form - but really, my main response is I HEAR YOU, sister. This is hard. Stay strong in your conviction about what's best for YOU. Side note: I, too, was impressed with the richly detailed prose in Lindy West's new memoir. (I liked her voice-memo entries!) YES to journaling through relationship struggles. I had the same reaction to the fact that Tara Westover was able to draw on her childhood journals for Educated (I wish I had old journals of any kind!). I hope journaling privately AND posting publicly end up being therapeutic practices in the long run. Please know that your supporters are out here thinking loving, admiring thoughts of you even when we can't catch every post! xoxoxo
Kristi- I read your posts every week and every week something resonates with me. Last week I was thinking about my own experience regarding my health/dieting/eating habits etc. George is incredibly positive about my body, my weight etc. But sometimes I feel like it is to my detriment. Whenever I am trying to be healthier he encourages me to eat things I am trying to limit or eat in moderation. (I do not restrict anything but try to make healthy eating choices most of the time) In one way it is so nice to be with someone who is so encouraging and non judgemental but other times I feel like it is because he doesnt want to make any changes or rather doesnt want my changes to effect him. I know I am the only one I can count on to be healthy and reach fitness goals but I sometimes wish my partner was more aligned so that it would help hold me accountable.
A lot of my goals now how to do with my health rather than looking a certain way, being a certain size etc. Although I still sometimes suffer from deep rooted self loathing due to my weight. My mom has always been someone who is very critical of people who are overweight and has always been rather petite. Not just thin but "smaller" than me- smaller, shorter, less of as chest etc... When I stand next to her I sometimes feel like a Neanderthal. I still swoon when she says I look good or that I look like I have lost some weight. Its like that is the only validation that means something coming from her. Unfortunately that then makes we worried the next time I see her if she thinks I am heavier or not... It is definitely something I cam cognizant of and am working on but that worry runs deep.
Oh Kristi, first of all, I am proud that you published this post, and the last one, and all of them. I’ve been following your Substack for a while now, and the only reason I didn’t finish reading the last one (or liking it) was because it was (seemingly at a glance) husband focused, and that’s just not my life currently lol. Not because of the content, which I just read and felt such compassion for your position. It was a great post about the fears and uncertainties of marriage and life. It was honest and real. Just like this post. And yes, I do have those 3 AM thoughts sometimes. I think we all do when we’re being honest.
Thank you, Dana. You're right. I don't usually delve into the husband stuff. Lol. I appreciate you being here and sharing your kind words. And also I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one with the 3 a.m., although they aren't very pleasant.
But I liked reading about your husband in the post itself. When I finally read it in full!
I'm sorry I missed last week's post when you released it! I had an unexpectedly busy week. I will go back and read it now. But first, let me say that this post is a powerful one. Boy do I know what you mean when you say that sometimes you worry about "the silence mean[ing] something deeper. Judgment. Pity. Disgust" AND when you say, "Sometimes it’s easier to tell strangers your deepest thoughts than it is to share them with people you’re close to." Yep. I'm sorry your mom's response was less than helpful. I'm glad your sister reached out. As impossible as it is, try not to read too much into the apparent silence surrounding any of your (amazing) essays! I wish I had something wise to say about this particular relationship challenge - one that I suspect every married person endures in some form - but really, my main response is I HEAR YOU, sister. This is hard. Stay strong in your conviction about what's best for YOU. Side note: I, too, was impressed with the richly detailed prose in Lindy West's new memoir. (I liked her voice-memo entries!) YES to journaling through relationship struggles. I had the same reaction to the fact that Tara Westover was able to draw on her childhood journals for Educated (I wish I had old journals of any kind!). I hope journaling privately AND posting publicly end up being therapeutic practices in the long run. Please know that your supporters are out here thinking loving, admiring thoughts of you even when we can't catch every post! xoxoxo
Kristi- I read your posts every week and every week something resonates with me. Last week I was thinking about my own experience regarding my health/dieting/eating habits etc. George is incredibly positive about my body, my weight etc. But sometimes I feel like it is to my detriment. Whenever I am trying to be healthier he encourages me to eat things I am trying to limit or eat in moderation. (I do not restrict anything but try to make healthy eating choices most of the time) In one way it is so nice to be with someone who is so encouraging and non judgemental but other times I feel like it is because he doesnt want to make any changes or rather doesnt want my changes to effect him. I know I am the only one I can count on to be healthy and reach fitness goals but I sometimes wish my partner was more aligned so that it would help hold me accountable.
A lot of my goals now how to do with my health rather than looking a certain way, being a certain size etc. Although I still sometimes suffer from deep rooted self loathing due to my weight. My mom has always been someone who is very critical of people who are overweight and has always been rather petite. Not just thin but "smaller" than me- smaller, shorter, less of as chest etc... When I stand next to her I sometimes feel like a Neanderthal. I still swoon when she says I look good or that I look like I have lost some weight. Its like that is the only validation that means something coming from her. Unfortunately that then makes we worried the next time I see her if she thinks I am heavier or not... It is definitely something I cam cognizant of and am working on but that worry runs deep.