Calling BS on Toxic Productivity Culture

How much of our busyness is real or simply social signaling? And how much of it is simply because we can’t sit still and just be with ourselves?

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I attended an awards gala for women business owners a few weeks ago, sponsored by a local woman-owned magazine that celebrates women. As I was sitting at my table of high-performing women, in a room full of high-performing women, listening to a select few high-performing women onstage, I was struck by just how much the hustle culture is alive and well. What sealed it for me was when the big cheese presiding over the event (the magazine’s publisher, a nationally recognized entrepreneur) got up on stage and humbly bragged about how she is so busy, she never has time to eat, but on this night, at this dinner, after she turns it over to more high-performing women, she finally will. 

I shook my head and thought, “How irresponsible.” 

Having had two children suffer from anorexia, I am sensitive when I hear other people bragging about not eating. It’s irresponsible on so many levels. For the women in the audience suffering from eating disorders, there is no doubt that statement was triggering. But for all the women suffering from “I’m not doing enough”—arguably a much larger audience—it was potentially more damaging. And dangerous. 

Most of those women—business owners, entrepreneurs, change-makers and leaders—likely didn’t see those words as toxic productivity. The women who make time to eat were thinking, “Shit! I must not be working hard enough. I’ll never make it to her level.” And the women routinely skipping meals got a hit of validation. 

Can we just call bullshit on all of this?

Do we really need the women who are supposed to be changing the world shamed into thinking they shouldn’t be taking care of themselves first? 

Can these women only get where they’re going by giving up their own dinner? 

Yes, the women of my generation are all about self-sacrifice, having it all, and doing it all. But haven’t we come to understand that this only works for so long? 

How much of our busyness is genuine or simply social signaling? And how much of our busyness is simply an excuse because we can’t sit still, because we can’t be with ourselves, because we don’t believe we have value unless we’re doing something?

Maybe it’s a sign of how far I’ve come because I’m way past the point of hustling for the sake of hustle. I’m over performative culture in general. I’m no longer wearing my productivity like a badge of honor. But there was a time, I literally could not not be productive, or I felt worthless. Doing was my default. And this didn’t just apply to work. It applied to home life. It applied to my hobbies. It applied to all aspects of my life. And while it masqueraded as a positive, it was coming from a deeply negative place.   

“When toxic productivity is leading your life, you judge yourself every day for what you haven’t done, rather than looking at what you have accomplished,” says Simone Milasas, a business coach and author of Joy of Business.

This was me. I did a lot of self-judging. 

So what changed?

A lot of things, actually. I have written about the family crisis that prompted me to change my life, but there were a bunch of seemingly smaller shifts that paved the way. One of them was finding the right partner. 

My husband is the only man who has ever really been able to speak to me in the way I need to hear it. And sometimes he suggests, and sometimes he out and out tells me I need to make changes ASAP. For some reason, I listen. When we first moved in, he all but demanded I cut my productivity in half on weekends so there would be more time for “us.” Instead of Saturday and Sunday starting with an early morning, two-hour mountain bike ride (a kind of manic productivity driven by my need to keep my weight in check), he asked if we could be unscheduled just one day of the week. Could we sleep in, have sex or just cuddle, and then do something enjoyable later in the day (that might or might not involve a bike ride)? Somehow, he got through to me, and begrudgingly I gave up needing to bike first thing Saturday and Sunday morning. I didn’t like it—and to be clear, sometimes I still don’t—but I like him more. 

That shift was the start of something bigger. It would take me leaving my job (what I thought would end my career) and focusing on a child whose health was significantly deteriorating before I realized I would have to make radical changes about my priorities. 

I read something last week to the effect of, “When you’re on your deathbed, the only people who are going to remember you constantly working overtime are your kids.” And it hit me. Because even though I am so much better than I used to be, and my kids now see me as a much more balanced mother and woman and human, I worry I’m too late. They saw me when I could not take a pause and put my pursuit of productivity before everything else. I look at them now and see how hard they work to do better and be better, and I am proud but scared. I don’t want them to inherit these qualities. 

But there’s a bigger worry that’s been creeping in lately. Even though I have made so much progress in slowing down in the last year, I have been exceptionally busy launching my writing career and building my audience and pitching people and learning to market in a new industry. And, even more troubling, if I let myself, I would easily be all-consumed by it. I could put every waking hour of every day for the next year toward these pursuits, and in my mind, I still would not be doing enough. And that’s not hustle culture, it’s part of how I’m wired.  

It doesn’t help that I don’t go to an office. I work from my kitchen, so it’s so easy to start and end every single day working, and I have been. It’s up to me to shut it off. And lately I’ve realized that for my own mental health and productivity—as well as the wellbeing of my family—I absolutely must. 

Since she’s all about living to the fullest, I decided to see what advice I might get from Jodi Wellman. She runs the site Four Thousand Mondays. (She also provided an endorsement for Show Your Work, the book I co-wrote with 12 other women.) Wellman, a former executive coach who now lives to help people live zero-regret lives, says if we’re lucky, we get about 4,000 Mondays before we die. 

In Wellman’s words, “pausing” is a power move. 

“Taking a break, counterintuitively, helps bring even more productivity out of us, so if Getting Shit Done sounds like part of your identity, then you might want to make both short and long pauses a regular part of your persona.” —Jodi Wellman

With that in mind, I decided to take four steps to keep myself in check: 

1. I would set one day a week where I am not working. I picked Sunday since this is when my husband and son are both also not working.  

2. I would follow a night-time routine that supports sleep. For me, this means no work before bedtime, only TV or light reading. 

3. I would devote some part of every evening to my husband and family. After so many years of not being as present as I needed to be, this is a non-negotiable for me. 

4. I would make time for myself. At least a few times a week, I do something to recharge. Most of the time, it's mountain biking, but I get to decide, and no, work is not an option. 

I’ll let you know how it goes. If you’ve got any other suggestions, please let me know!

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