Pass the pie, not the shame

‘Tis the season we like to talk about how much we hate our bodies. Let's change that.

Originally published in November 2023, this piece continues to feel especially relevant as conversations around food and bodies resurface during the holiday season.

It’s the season of reconnecting with friends, family, and acquaintances we haven’t seen in a while. It’s also that time of year when many of our “catching up” conversations center around food and body talk. Like clockwork, it creeps in, often as we’re passing the mashed potatoes, reaching for a slice of pie or grabbing a glass of something yummy.

It’s the friend who grabs a roll (the one around her middle) as she’s grabbing a drink and complains about how much bigger it’s gotten in perimenopause, never mind that it’s half the size of yours.

It’s the aunt who glances at your body and suggests maybe you should skip Thanksgiving dinner this year.

It’s the cousin who’s starting Ozempic tomorrow.

It’s the coworker proudly declaring she “earned” her dessert after a 10-mile run.

For some, the holidays feel like open season for body talk, commenting on their own or others’ appearance. Ironically, these discussions often happen while we’re gathered around holiday meals, reaching for something we tell ourselves should be off-limits.

Diet and body talk can be damaging for those struggling with eating disorders or body image issues, but they’re actually harmful to all of us … for a whole buffet of reasons. It’s important to remember that we don’t always know what people are going through, and outward appearances can be deceiving.

A few years ago, a relative thought they were paying my daughter the ultimate compliment when they said, “You have the tiniest waist and the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen.” They said it in front of a room full of women and young girls, including one actively struggling with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, and another who had spent years in treatment for one. That single “compliment” had the power to reinforce disordered thinking, fuel unhealthy behaviors and make everyone else who didn’t fit the idealized body type feel bad about themselves.

When we zero in on bodies, food, and health in these limiting ways, even when we think we’re being positive, we reduce people to numbers and appearances rather than appreciating them for who they are. And while we want to have compassion for those who may not realize their words are harmful, even toward themselves, it’s also important to protect our own well-being.

Whether you’re in recovery from an eating disorder, you’re transitioning to intuitive eating, you’re trying to stop measuring your self-worth by your appearance or you’re just trying to be kinder to yourself, this post is about supporting you on your journey.

Read on to get a better understanding of what body and diet talk actually sound like, why they’re more harmful than we might realize, and how we can start shifting the conversation. You’ll also find tips for navigating these situations, and gentle ways to be part of the solution.

What is diet talk?

Diet talk is any conversation that centers around food, weight, health trends, or body size, often with a dose of judgment, comparison, or pressure. It can sound like advice, concern (aren’t you worried about your health?), or even a compliment. It might focus on what we’re eating (or not eating), how we’re moving (or not moving), or how we feel about the shape or size of our bodies. It might be the latest “thing” we’re doing, where the primary goal is to lose weight.

It shows up in lots of places, from family dinners to casual friend chats to social media. It’s so accepted that it often sneaks in without us realizing it. Closely related is body talk: comments about our own or others’ appearances. Even when well-intentioned, these conversations often come with unspoken expectations or assumptions about health, worth, or beauty.

This kind of talk can range from overt weight-loss chatter to subtle (or not at all subtle) food moralizing. It might be someone sharing how much weight they’ve dropped on a GLP-1, suggesting a new wellness trend, or making a comment about your body or theirs. It may seem harmless, or even positive, but it often reinforces damaging beliefs, especially the one that says we’re not okay unless we’re thin.

Non-diet nutritionist Linn Thorstensson did an excellent podcast that delved into the topic of diet talk and why it’s so destructive if you’d like to learn more.

What’s so bad about diet talk?

At first glance, diet talk can feel like small talk. A way to relate, to bond, to fill the silence. But the impact goes deeper. It can affect mental health, body image, and how we relate to ourselves and others.

Even seemingly positive comments, like “You’ve lost weight!” or “You look so healthy!”, can carry unintended consequences. You never know who might look healthy but is managing an invisible illness or how a compliment directed at one person might make someone else feel worse about themselves.

And kids are especially vulnerable to this kind of talk. Even when we’re directing it at ourselves and not them, the message is often one of judgment, discontentment or out-and-out hatred toward ourselves and our own bodies. Whether we’re aware of it or not, this is what we’re modeling. For our own children, there’s another layer. As Heidi Schauster shares in her excellent book Nurture:

“Please know that when you say negative things about the one body that your kid is most likely to end up looking like (or looks up to most), it’s confusing.”

I’d go one step further and suggest it’s setting them up for a lifetime of body discontent.

For those of us suffering from eating disorders, disordered eating and body dysmorphia, the prevalence of diet and body talk at holiday events, parties with friends and family functions can make the holidays an exceptionally difficult time. We feel like we’re heading into battle as we head to Thanksgiving dinner!

The gift of opting out of body talk

Over the past few years, I’ve invited readers to consider opting out of diet and body talk through the month of December. Not as a hardline challenge, but as a quiet, intentional gift you can give yourself, and those around you. It’s something that’s easy to take on, a gentle nudge to bring more awareness to your own behaviors.

For those of you who gave up body talk long ago, that’s GREAT! But what about the internal commentary? I’d invite you to consider where you might still need to better support yourself. I was never a big body talker, but the negative self-talk used to be deafening, and I still occasionally struggle with this, especially this time of year.

This season, I invite you to gently notice those thoughts, and if you can, begin to let them go. Give yourself a little peace. A little space. A little break from the noise.

If it helps, write it down. Say it out loud. Or use one of these simple reminders:

• “I’m giving myself the gift of no body talk this December.”

• “I’m choosing quiet over criticism, especially toward myself.”

• “I’m opting out of diet and body talk, for myself and others.”

If one of these resonates with you, hold onto it. Or come up with your own version. I’d love to hear what resonates with you. If you feel called, share it in comments.

What about everyone else?

It’s true you can’t control anyone else around you, but you can take the deliberate step of prioritizing your mental health by not engaging in diet talk.

This isn’t to shame anyone. As my daughter and I were talking through the many examples of diet talk we’ve encountered over the years, she reminded me that I, too, used to engage in diet talk before I knew better. And this is a reminder to us all: We’re here to learn and grow.

It’s also a good reminder that the kids are listening. When we engage in diet talk, we are modeling this behavior to those around us.

Thinking about opting out of diet and body talk this December?

There’s no official sign-up sheet, just an invitation to try something different. Maybe this is the year you skip the body commentary. Maybe it’s the year you hold your tongue, change the subject, or speak up for yourself or someone else. Maybe you just begin noticing the thoughts that show up, and gently question them.

If you’d like to stay connected as we explore more ways to do this together, consider subscribing. I’ll be sharing a few more reflections, strategies, and reminders throughout the month.

And if you feel like sharing the intention, here’s a message you’re welcome to borrow or adapt:

“I’m choosing to step away from diet and body talk this December, as a kindness to myself and a way to protect the people around me.”

What are the benefits of opting out of diet talk?

Choosing not to engage in diet talk and adopting a more body-positive and mindful approach to conversations about food and bodies has many benefits. Here are a few of them:

Reduced stress and improved wellbeing

Constant discussions about diets and weight loss can be triggering for many people, and avoiding these conversations creates a more positive environment for everyone.

Reduced comparisons and judgment

Diet talk often leads to comparisons and judgments, which can negatively impact self-esteem. By steering clear of these topics, we are more likely to focus on our own wellbeing rather than comparing ourselves to others and feel less judged based on our appearance.

Creation of a positive social environment

A group that avoids diet talk is likely to be more positive and supportive. We as individuals can share our achievements, joys and challenges without the pressure or judgment associated with diet-focused discussions.

Recognizing diet talk

I’m sure you can think of some examples of diet talk right now. The most overt forms are pretty easy to recognize, but there are more subtle comments we don’t always attribute to diet culture. Here are some I’ve heard over the years. Feel free to share your own in comments.

Please note: Some of these comments sound positive, but remember, you never know what someone else is going through. We sometimes look healthy when we’re not. Your positive comment might be supporting someone else’s eating disorder or be triggering for them.

“You look great! Did you gain or lose weight?”

“You aren’t underweight/overweight.”

“You look healthy.”

“You should try [diet or wellness trend].”

“I am so [fat, bloated, flabby].”

“I can’t get rid of this _________ no matter what I do.”

“I really shouldn’t be eating _________.”

“I’m so hungry. I haven’t eaten all day.”

“Oh, I can’t eat that. I missed my workout today.”

“You have the tiniest waist I’ve ever seen.”

“You’re so skinny. What’s your secret?”

“What are you doing? That is so bad for you.”

“I wish I had your willpower.”

“Maybe you should try cutting out [flour, carbs, sugar].”

“Isn’t that too much food?”

“Do you know how many calories are in that?”

“Should you really be eating all that?”

“Just eat reasonably and you’ll be fine.”

“I can’t keep this type of food in the house.”

“This food is so bad for you.”

“I can’t control myself around _________.”

“You just need a little self-control.”

“You’re not good enough around food.”

“You just need to exercise more.”

“Should you be eating that much?”

“After all this food, I’m gonna have to be extra good tomorrow.”

“After the holidays are over, I’ve got to get back on my diet.”

The big question - do you confront someone else engaging in diet talk?

This is a personal decision. Often, when it happens in front of me without my kids, I ignore it and change the subject. Deflection is a solid strategy, and it often works well, especially in a one-on-one or smaller group setting. There’s less fuel to continue the conversation.

There have also been times when there is a table full of people, including my kids and other people’s kids, and I’ve had to confront it. My kids are pros at this now and can spot diet talk a mile away, and they will often say something before I do. But when my kids, or any kids, are around, I feel it’s my obligation to speak up.

Mara Gordon, MD has suggestions for diffusing holiday diet talk, including using humor to diffuse low-key fatphobia. Virginia Sole-Smith provides more ideas in her comprehensive guide to eating with other people that includes suggestions for having judgment-free holiday meals with kids. Ragen Chastain offers some oldies but goodies on dealing with the Friends and Family Food Police. And Shana Minei Spence has my favorite piece on the topic this season, where she very clearly calls out the hypocrisy of those food and body shaming others. (Know someone else who has suggestions on this topic? Drop a link to their work in comments and I’ll add them here.)

Here some more suggestions:

You might say, “I’m working on fostering a more positive relationship with food and my body. Can we avoid discussing diets or weight loss?”

I find that statement a little wordy in a stressful situation and prefer shorter statements like:

“I’d prefer not to engage in diet talk.”

“We don’t talk about other people’s bodies.”

“I don’t like to talk about people’s bodies.”

This is just the beginning of the conversation, but I hope you’ve been inspired enough to consider opting out of diet and body talk with me. If you’re in, hit the like button 💙, drop a comment here and say so, or just hit reply on this email.

I’d also love to hear how you deal with diet talk or what you need help with. What’s worked for you in the past? What scenarios are you expecting to come up this holiday season that we may be able to support you on? Do you need to just vent?