Showing Up and Taking Off the Armor

Thanks for reading Almost Sated, a newsletter about the messy process of detoxing from diets and diet culture and the personal growth that comes from it. If you like what you’re reading, please consider subscribing and sharing! It’s free to join, and subscribing ensures you never miss a post. On Mondays, I round up the most interesting reads and listens from the last week.

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There are two big things that have led to massive change in my life within the last few years. I write a lot about the first one, quitting diets, and the impact it has had on me. I don’t talk as much about taking off my armor, but it’s probably had an even bigger impact. 

Taking off the armor is a phrase I’ve borrowed from Brené Brown, which I love, because it eloquently captures what I’m talking about. 

Feeling. Risking. Allowing yourself to be seen. Being vulnerable. Being courageous.

Like quitting diets, taking off the armor is not a one and done thing. And like quitting diets, perfection is not the goal. There is no final destination or magical point when you get to the end, let out a heavy sigh of relief and proclaim yourself forever brave. It’s something you cultivate and practice. 

I’ve been absorbing a lot of Brene Brown lately. I know, I know. I’m late to the party. 

A few of her video shorts recently popped up on my socials, and that prompted me to start Daring Greatly, which has been in my stack of books on the nightstand for at least six months. And that led me to see what podcasts she had done recently. I went searching through interviews she had been a guest on and found a Science of Success interview with her from what I thought was March, but originally aired in 2019. No matter. It’s the subject matter that counts. 

In my opinion, the back half of the interview is when we get to the good stuff, where she talks about the biggest barrier to courage. 

The armor. 

We’ve all got it, but I think some of us have more of it than others. 

In my past life, I was the queen of armor. 

I was walled off, hiding my feelings from other people. I came by it honestly, a response to growing up with a verbally abusive, explosive-tempered father. As “the good child,” my goal was to make no waves and show no emotion. I got really good at that last part and spent most of my life out of touch, even with myself and my own emotions. I took pride in not showing emotion. 

About 10 years ago, I started hearing more and more that people couldn’t read me. Friends would confess, “When we first met, I thought you didn’t like me.” Back in my dating days, I met with a matchmaker who told me, “You have a poker face. I suspect the reason you haven’t been very successful in finding a partner is because people don’t know what you’re thinking.”

That feedback was so important, and I took it to heart. When I met my husband, one of the things that drew him to me was that I didn’t behave in the ways he expected. (I discussed this in a recent interview about being an introverted creative for

Home|body

.) As an engineer, he couldn’t figure out my pattern. I was a puzzle, and he found this intriguing. But this also created problems because he couldn’t read me, and he didn’t know how I felt about him. 

Luckily, he’s the best man in the entire world for me, and rather than running away, he asked me if I would open up. He is remarkable for many reasons, but the fact that he was willing to be vulnerable himself and share what he was feeling and ask for what he needed allowed me to do the same with him. 

Since then, I have done a ton of work as it relates to showing up and being vulnerable. I know my default is to not be expressive and not open up, and certainly there are situations where this is appropriate, but with the people I love, the people I trust, not doing this is a barrier that keeps me from experiencing meaningful connection and leads to misunderstanding.

As Brene says, we’re all scared. But some of us are willing to show our true selves. I’ve been doing that here on Almost Sated for months now, and it has felt exceptionally soul-baring. 

I applaud those of you who have been leaning into your vulnerability for a long time, and I have so more respect for those of you who are just now stepping into it. This is still new territory for me, and it’s raw and scary. It leads to self-doubt and a lack of self-trust (which a couple of my Substack friends

Donna McArthur

and

Janice Walton

recently wrote about here and here). As a perfectionist, I never want to fail. I never want to show weakness. I never want to show anything less than having it together at all times, but I know now that’s not the goal I’m after. Connection is. And connection requires vulnerability and risk. It requires taking off the armor.

So how do we do that? Brene says the first step is self-awareness. We’ve all got armor, but we have to examine how it shows up for us. 

What is your go-to armor? What’s your go-to defense when you're trying to self-protect? Maybe it’s perfectionism, maybe it’s people-pleasing, maybe it’s deflection. 

How does or did your armor serve you? Most of us develop armor for legitimate reasons. The problem is we hold onto it even after we don’t need it or it stops serving us. Mine was protection from a very-real threat of emotional abuse. That threat has long since passed.

What has been the cost of our armor? This one’s especially important. You need to know what keeping the armor on has cost you. In my case, keeping the armor was keeping me from truly connecting with people. In some cases, it created misunderstanding and even hurt other people.

What’s my fear if I take off my armor? Think through the worst-case scenario. 

Brene says we can replace the armor with something that will serve us—curiosity. By asking these questions, we work up the courage to be brave. Taking that first step is hard, because pain is real. There are times we get hurt and face setbacks, and then we have to get back up.

In my experience, one of the best ways to get over the fear of vulnerability is simply by doing it over and over again. 

What has helped you to take off your armor?

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Other Interesting Reads and Listens This Week

Jeanette Thompson-Wessen

of

Unflattering

delves into what’s good about being fat. She offers up a number of positives, but you don’t have to take her word for it, because she has posted dozens of responses she got to that question on Instagram.

When you’re stuck in a rut, shake it up.

Anne Helen Petersen

of

Culture Study

interviewed reader

Terryn

of

TerrynGrams

about finding her way back through film.

As far as having a Polaroid summer, the inspiration was finding my PolaroidNow, and wanting to tinker with it again. I'd been in a creative slump since the end of last year when my grandma died, and writing felt overwhelming. Polaroids were a low stakes way to be interested in the world around me and jump back into the groove of things. It was an excuse to get nosey. —Terryn

In case you missed it, I debuted a new series featuring the stories of people who have dared to ditch diets. First up was author and journalist

Steph Auteri

of

Thunder Thighs

and

Guerrilla Sex Ed

, who talked about the challenges of giving up diets but still being surrounded by diet culture.

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Share Your Story of Ditching Diets

If you’ve found freedom from dieting, I’d love to share your story so that it may inspire someone else…or simply make them feel less alone. Comment below or reach out at at kristik @ substack.com.

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