Choosing love over fear in menopause

How do we cultivate a better mindset when the world is constantly telling us to fear aging and fight it with everything we have?

Oct 24, 2024

A year or so ago, I went to brunch with girlfriends, some of whom were already navigating perimenopause, and the conversation inevitably turned to body changes—who was still getting regular periods, who was on hormones and who wasn’t. One of my friends, who was in the midst of peri, began venting about the newfound squish in her belly and listing all the ways she was working to combat it. She was doubling down on gym time, had hired a personal trainer and had booked a series of experimental treatments that were supposed to melt the fat away.

I sat in silence. At the time, I was still having regular periods and felt like none of the conversation applied to me (one of those menopause myths—I was already experiencing perimenopause symptoms but didn’t know it.)

Besides, I was in a different place. I had just given up dieting, was transitioning to intuitive eating and was learning how to nourish my body after years of restrictive eating, elimination diets and weird food rules. Yes, I had gained weight and was struggling to accept it, but I knew the reasons behind my choices were sound and necessary for my well-being. I was done with agonizing over every morsel I ate and then using punishing exercise as a way to make up for it. I was finished with the near 24/7 obsession with food—something that magically ended when I stopped starving myself.

But behind my friend’s rants, I sensed real fear—a near panic over all the things outside her control. These were feelings I knew well from various points in my own life. Only now, I was working to push past those fears so I could find acceptance with myself and the body I was inhabiting in that moment. I wasn’t fully there yet, but I was doing my best to embrace my own new chapter.

Looking back, I realize my friend’s reaction was hardly unique. I see this response daily in the online group of active menopausal women I’m part of. For some, “the change” is a wake-up call to start prioritizing their health. But for others, it creates fear that borders on obsession. So many women are terrified of what’s happening—or what might happen—that they resort to extreme measures. There’s a desperation to find the “right” solution, as if menopause can somehow be reversed or entirely avoided. It’s heartbreaking to watch women give up hobbies, passions and sports they once loved because they’ve heard they’re not the “right ones” for menopause and they should be doing something else. Who says menopause has to be about giving up everything we love?

The reality is that nothing is permanent. Aging is inevitable. And while I know there are downsides to getting old—I live with plenty of them—I’ve found more freedom and joy in these later years than I ever have before in my life. I’m deliberately choosing to view midlife—and menopause—from a place of possibility, not negativity.

I'm not alone in this belief. Meditation teachers Ofosu Jones-Quartey and Cara Lai touched on this topic in this week's 10% Happier podcast episode with host

Dan Harris

"It's more about the attitude that we bring to whatever we're encountering in life that determines whether it's going to be suffering or an opportunity to wake up."
—Ofosu Jones-Quartey

I’m not suggesting we ignore the changes or the difficulties of aging, but our attitudes about them shape our lived experience. In other words, how we choose to approach menopause ultimately determines whether it’s positive or negative. Whether we do it out of love versus do it out of fear matters.

5 ways to cultivate a more positive mindset in menopause

So, how do we start to cultivate a better menopause mindset when the world is constantly telling us to fear aging and fight it with everything we have? It’s important to remember that we get to decide how we show up.

1. Accept change instead of resisting it.

Change is inevitable, and while it can be unsettling, it can also be a time of growth. Borrowing from Buddhism, when we shift from resisting to accepting, we open ourselves up to new possibilities and a more peaceful existence. The more we try to quash negative feelings, instead of allowing them, the more they take over our lives. Instead of trying to hold onto a version of ourselves that no longer exists, we can learn to accept the body we have today. And when we come from a place of allowing and accepting, it cracks the door just the slightest for another feeling—appreciation.

2. Redefine beauty and success.

Beauty is not the absence of wrinkles or rolls. It’s in how we carry ourselves, how we love and how we show up in the world. Likewise, success in midlife shouldn’t be measured by how closely we can maintain our younger selves. It’s about finding joy where we are now. It’s crazy to me, but I feel more beautiful in the body I have now than I did at my thinnest (when, of course, I still didn’t think I was thin enough).

3. Prioritize self-care that nourishes, not punishes.

When we approach self-care as a way to nurture our bodies rather than control them, everything changes. Whether it’s through movement that brings joy, eating foods that fuel and satisfy, or pausing when needed, true self-care is about honoring the body, not punishing it.

4. Surround yourself with supportive voices.

Finding a community of like-minded people who support holistic wellbeing—not just outward appearance—can make all the difference. Whether it’s through online groups, friends or inspiring voices, surround yourself with those who pursue acceptance, not perfection.

5. Practice gratitude and mindfulness.

Mindfulness keeps us present and helps quiet fears of what might happen in the future. Meditation or just moments of time out ground ourselves in the present, reduce stress levels and begin to teach us that thoughts and feelings of overwhelm, anguish and fear aren’t permanent—or things we need to immediately act on.

Gratitude helps reframe our relationship with our bodies. Instead of focusing on what we don’t like, we can shift our attention to the positive things our bodies do for us. Just celebrating one thing our body has done for us lately can begin to foster a better relationship with ourselves.

At the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves: Do we want to spend the rest of our lives fighting against something inevitable, or do we want to embrace the beauty of aging with grace, acceptance and even joy?

It isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen overnight, but small moments of acceptance build into something bigger. When we listen to our body instead of fighting it, we find freedom. For me, I’m choosing love over fear.

How do you combat the fear and stay positive in what can be a most trying season?

💬 What are you celebrating about your body?

This week, I opened up a chat with readers about one thing they’re celebrating about their bodies. It led to some interesting conversation about celebrating strength gains, discovering the “lifter’s high” and enjoying the benefits of “being a beginner” again. It’s not too late to add your thoughts!