More real talk, please

Easy steps for nurturing more genuine, heartfelt conversations. Diet talk not included.

This past week has brought a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve been continuing to ride my newfound wave of extraversion, hosting not one but two meetups (one virtual and one in person), attending the first official holiday party of the season (a warm gathering of good company with homemade gumbo, fresh-baked bread and spiced punch), reconnecting with old friends and making some new ones (my husband’s college roommates came into town). Oh, and there was a funeral for one of my oldest friend’s cousins, a somber reminder that life is short and nothing is guaranteed. So, it’s been a lot. Highs. Lows. Anticipation. Worry. Fear. Sadness. Grief. Joy. Gratitude.

Side note: My adventures in extraversion led to one meltdown not breakdown (thank you,

Deborah Sloan

, for the distinction). After investing so much emotional energy in my first workshop here with non-diet nutritionist

Linn Thorstensson

, I so related to

Satya Robyn

’s confession about the “energy cost” of putting yourself out into the world. Satya’s post made me realize I’m hitting the limit with this extended “stepping outside of my comfort zone” sesh, and it’s time to reconnect with myself. As we’re now officially in holiday season, I need to be more deliberate in what I say yes to.

Since I launched my accountability challenge for the month of the December to not engage in negative "diet talk," you might be wondering how it went with all these events last week. In the spirit of keeping it real, I’ve approached these gatherings from a place of openness and curiosity. I wondered if diet talk would come up, and if so, how I would handle it.

Interestingly, in my gatherings, diet talk only surfaced once—during a dinner with one of my husband’s closest friends whom we haven’t seen in a few months. Picture this: The three of us sitting in this cozy little Italian cafe, with candlelight, white tablecloths and waitstaff anticipating our every whim. The scent of garlic is so thick, you could slice it with a knife. We order glasses of wine, grilled focaccia and delicate roasted artichokes to start, and all seems right with the world.

As we’re just about to dig in, our friend tells us about how his mother “made him fat” over Thanksgiving. He is jovial as he launches into all the food he shouldn’t have consumed, and it occurs to me that what he’s doing is a confession of sorts.

Most of the time, my response in these kinds of situations is to say nothing and let it pass (unless it’s particularly egregious or within earshot of children), but this is different because I’ve been writing about this very topic for several weeks. I’m even more curious about how my husband will react since he signed onto my challenge, so I look over to him, and we begin a silent conversation through animated expressions.

Me: I’m not going to say anything. You?

Husband: I'm just going to let him keep talking. He’ll stop in a second.

{Diet talk continues}

Me: He’s not stopping. Should we say something? When is he going to notice our silence?

Husband: Let’s just give him another minute. If we wait long enough, he'll realize we're not jumping into the conversation.

{Diet talk continues}

Me: (smiling) I see you over there on the verge of saying something.

Husband (smiling too): Maybe we can use telepathy to send him a hint.

We’re beaming at each other now, diet talk be damned, because we’re still in that newlywed lovebird phase and delighted that we can have a full-blown silent conversation between us. Just as I think he's about to fess up, his friend pauses, and my husband slides in smooth as warm butter with a new topic of conversation.

Now, I want to be clear. Our friend is a genuinely warm-hearted man who meant no harm, and while we avoided "the talk" about diet talk, he would have totally taken it in stride if we had brought it up with him.

Why we engage in diet talk

There have been several studies on the topic of diet talk (“fat talk” is the term used in research). If you’re interested in reading more, this particular study on women and fat talk from Camille Guertin, Kheana Barbeau, Luc Pelletier and Gabrielle Martinelli cites a lot of research that’s been done on the topic. While both men and women engage in fat talk, it has been studied more broadly among women of all ages and body sizes.

Here are some of the reasons we engage in fat talk:

• To absolve ourselves of shame over our eating habits or not upholding the thin ideal.

• To feel accepted or to affirm group solidarity.

• To receive validation or reaffirmation that our bodies are appealing.

Fat talk serves as a sort of guilt relief valve, “where individuals engage in these types of conversations to absolve themselves from shame for overeating and eating high-calorie foods or for not embodying the thin ideal.”

These conversations also serve as a sort of social and injunctive norm, or what’s expected of them. One study of college-age women found that 93% engage in fat talk and speak negatively about their bodies in order to feel accepted and to affirm group solidarity. Some women engage in fat talk to receive validation, or re-affirmation, that their bodies are appealing and to seek social support or cohesion.

And while some women report that fat talk has an immediate cathartic effect, it has been associated with negative outcomes such as body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, body-related cognitive distortion, drive for thinness and dysfunctional eating.

But this is the sentence from the study that got me, and it goes back to the main point in my original post: Our diet talk negatively impacts others.

“Most importantly, fat talk is a contagious phenomenon that is reciprocal in nature: women who overhear others engage in fat talk are more likely to fat talk themselves and to experience heightened body dissatisfaction and guilt.” —Guertin et al.

What’s been remarkable to me is that all this week I’ve engaged in so many lively, genuine discussions without diet talk. It’s been lovely. Yes, there’s been small talk, too, but I’ve been so heartened by how much real talk there’s been.

Here’s the deal: There is so much more interesting conversation to be had than talking about your diet, your body and the food you have or haven't eaten. That said, we can have compassion for those who choose to engage in it.

In introducing the workshop we hosted last week, Linn Thorstensson put it so eloquently when she said finding like-minded people and knowing that you are not alone feels nourishing.

Let’s look for ways to cultivate conversations that lead to more positive outcomes!

7 steps for cultivating more genuine and joyful conversations

Rather than a writing prompt or thought exercise this week, I’d like to share tips I’ve found helpful in cultivating more genuine conversations. I am far from being an expert and fumble more times than not, so please share tips of your own!

Fostering these kinds of conversations involves creating an environment where people feel comfortable and encouraged to express themselves. This won’t happen with all conversations and especially not when there are triggering subjects like diet talk, so don’t force it! Here’s how to foster more genuine conversations:

Engage in Active Listening:

• Pay attention to the speaker and limit distractions.

• Focus on listening versus responding. For those of you who struggle to convey emotions through facial expressions (like me), you may need to try additional verbal and non-verbal cues like nodding or softening your facial expression.

• Avoid interrupting and allow the person to finish their thoughts.

Ask Open-Ended Questions:

• Ask questions that invite more than just a yes or no response.

• Encourage the other person to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Examples: "Wow! That sounds so tough. How did that make you feel?" or "Can you tell me more about that?"

Express Empathy:

• Acknowledge and validate the other person's feelings.

• Show that you understand by saying things like, "I can imagine that must be difficult for you."

• Don’t tell the person you know what they’re going through. I made this mistake over and over with my youngest child. You often don’t, and many people find this both triggering and insulting.

Share Vulnerabilities:

• If it makes sense, open up about your own experiences, thoughts, and emotions, but also don’t make it just about you.

• Don’t pretend to relate if you can’t—people can see through this—but sharing vulnerabilities helps create a sense of trust and encourages others to do the same.

Create a Judgment-Free Zone:

• Avoid passing judgment or giving unsolicited advice.

• Create an atmosphere where people feel safe sharing without fear of criticism. This is one of the reasons diet talk is so harmful. It often leads to comparisons and judgments, even when that’s not the intention.

Use Humor (Carefully):

• Appropriately inject humor into the conversation to lighten the mood. You know, like I did above 😉.

• Be mindful of the context and ensure that humor is inclusive.

Follow Up and Stay Connected:

• Show ongoing interest in people's lives.

• Follow up on previous conversations, demonstrating that you remember and care about what they shared.

Remember that for some people, especially us introverts, it takes time for us to open up, so be patient. By incorporating these practices into your interactions, you can create an atmosphere where people feel more valued, heard and inclined to engage in genuine and meaningful conversations.

Have tips of your own? Are there other reasons people engage in diet talk? Share them below in comments. I’d love to keep the conversation going.